Christmas is a Croc-O-Shit

It’s the most wonderful time of the year.

No, I’m not talking about that time after tax season; I’m talking about the time before it.

Christmas is a great time of the year when Jesus was born to convert Pagans and Jews; when they lie that old, morbidly obese white men ride on magical flying sleighs; powered by magical flying reindeer (one of which has a glowing nose) to pronounce the great magics of God, where said man then proceeds to break into your house and put presents under Christmas trees (which we also know as the “dead pine trees” lie), giving lots of presents, and eating so much after 2 weeks that you can’t even see yourself shitting on the toilet anymore.

We all know that Jesus wasn’t born on December 25th some 2000-ish years ago, because there is no possibility. It wasn’t lied about because they wanted to celebrate his birthday a little earlier than April 1st, and a lot researchers would happen to agree with that theory. And certainly, the Church would certainly sink to the level of converting Pagans and converting Jews. Think they care about you knowing the truth or even about Jesus himself? They only want more recruits for their army of shitheads.

Next, Santa was not some big fat sleigh-riding white man who owns magical reindeers, elves, or some sweetass mansion in the North Pole, and neither did he ever have anything to do with Saint Nicholas. Santa Claus is a derivative of Sinterklaas, who came from the concept of Saint Nicholas. Saint Nicholas was a Turkish man from Asia Minor, specifically Turkey who was just really nice to everyone, saved 3 girls from lives of prostitution, and gave stuff to poor children in his village.

Imagine the modern-day perception of Christmas, which includes all the stuff said above. Did you know that the only part of those descriptions that actually is any part of Christmas is Jesus? Guess what the real holiday that includes Santa, presents, and immense amounts of turkey is: YULETIDE! Not only that, but notice how the Church “stole” the holiday of the Pagans they hate so much: “Germanic pagans celebrated Yule from late December to early January on a date determined by a lunar calendar.” Did you know that the original concept of the Christmas tree also came from German Pagans? But we’re sure it was all just some really big coincidence.

I’m just hoping you now realize what a croc-o-shit it all really is.

Speaking of croc-o-shits, you know what really grinds my gears? Buying someone coupons for a gift. You want to know what two things that says to me?
1. I went to a store and got you nothing.
2. You’re too stupid to know what to buy, so I’m limiting you to 1 store.

Until next time, ciao folks!